What do I want?

Caught between desires and needs

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends
So, oh, Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz? —Mercedes Benz, Janis Joplin and Bob Neuwirth

I have another birthday coming up, in which I will transition from very old to even more old. I remember a day when I was 16 or so, hearing that a neighbor was turning 30. I pondered 30 incredulously, wondering what it would be like to be so… ancient?!

I’ve long since made peace with being an elderly gentleman. What bothers me about birthdays isn’t the age thing, but the gifts. “What do you want for your birthday,” my wife asked tonight. What do I want? What do I need? I honestly can’t think of a thing.

You’d think, wouldn’t you, that in the consumer utopia that is America, there would always be one more thing on my list of must-haves. There just isn’t. I’m wealthy by the standards of much of the world.

I’ve spent a lot of time living in rural Mexico, walking dirt streets in very small towns, watching bent old men and barefoot young boys herd goats from field to field, listening to the clack-clack-clack of weavers crafting rugs, and the grunts of sweat-drenched men hefting buckets of concrete onto their aching shoulders as they build a new home. The water coming from the faucets in those towns is tainted, when it flows at all. In those little towns, everyone hustles from before dawn until after dark to make enough money or raise enough corn or coffee to feed the children and pay the bills.

That’s what genuine need looks like.

There’s a story in Matthew that has always caught my attention. Two men wanted something from Jesus.

There were two blind men sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was passing by, they cried out, “Lord, have mercy on us, Son of David!” … And stopping, Jesus called them and said, “What do you want me to do for you?” —Matthew 20:29-34 (ESV)

Imagine for a minute that you’re Jesus, Son of God, healer of the sick, restorer of life to the dead, and you’re approached by two blind men. They stumble towards you guided by the hands of the crowd who push and shove them in the right direction, since they can’t see you and have no idea what you look like. All they’ve heard are the stories, amazing stories of healing. Do you ask them what they want?

Isn’t it obvious? They’re on the side of the road begging; it’s all they can do, given the lack of social services in that place and time.

But still, Jesus asks: “What do you want me to do for you?”

I’ve heard it explained that this should tell us that Jesus isn’t presumptuous. He’s a gentleman. He waits to be invited to help us. There could be something to that. God created us with free will and seems to respect that freedom, even when it’s obvious to him and everyone around us that we’re making a complete disaster of our lives.

I’ve also heard it said that faith is transactional in the sense that, if we make a move towards God first he will respond by reaching back to us. In Matthew 7:7 Jesus says: “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” When he taught his disciples to pray, he begins by saying that the Father knows what we need before we even ask him, and yet, he instructs the disciples to ask God for their daily bread. So perhaps there is something important about asking God for whatever we think we need.

On the other hand, we know that God prepared for our salvation in Christ before we even knew that we needed rescuing, and certainly before we were humble enough to ask for help.

As I’ve continued to think about Jesus’ question, I wonder if he asked because these two blind men needed more than they realized. Perhaps their blindness wasn’t their biggest issue. They asked for mercy, by which they meant having their sight restored; instead, they might have asked to be reconciled with their heavenly Father by being forgiven of their sins.

Perhaps they asked for what they wanted but failed to ask for what they really needed most: having their hearts healed instead of their eyes.

I’m guessing, of course, but it’s true for me. Maybe for you, too? We want money and security and love and a comfortable home and the freedom to indulge our dreams and desires. But what do we actually need?

We need forgiveness, and a willingness to forgive. We need reconciliation. Kindness. Selflessness. Generosity. Love. None of which can be delivered in 24-hours from Amazon Prime.

What I need for my birthday is a transformed heart and mind, priorities that lead me away from destruction and towards the abundant life, a willingness to serve my family, my friends, and the strangers God places in my path. What I need is more of Jesus and less of me.

What about you? What do you want? What do you need? If Jesus asked you the same question he put to the two blind men, how would you answer?